


Empty And Enamored, Crazy And Composed

by cranperryjuice



Category: YG Entertainment | YG Family
Genre: Drug Use, Dysfunctional Relationships, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:07:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26937880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cranperryjuice/pseuds/cranperryjuice
Summary: Your affection is a dress rehearsal (and I never was your biggest fan).
Relationships: Park Hongjun | Teddy Park/Seungho
Kudos: 1





	Empty And Enamored, Crazy And Composed

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2010.  
> Seungho (and Daniel, who's also mentioned briefly) were stylists working for YG Entertainment at the time.

Teddy's first impression of Seungho is that he's like Jiyong in one of his high-fashion moods, except _more_. More aloof, more oddly graceful, more pretentious, more alien-looking. The first time he actually sees him up close and talks to him, on the set of Lollipop, only confirms that impression.

"I'm happy you came," Jiyong says, looking up at him out of the corner of his eyes as he keeps his head straight, Seungho's long fingers in the frizzy mess he currently calls his hair. "Hey, you ever met Seungho?"

"No," he replies, then extends a hand. "Nice to meet you, man."

Seungho's eyes flick up and he nods almost imperceptibly, stone-faced, before going back to the task at hand. It takes a few seconds of silence before Jiyong recovers from the unexpected stumble in their conversation and starts talking about Dara's hairstyle.

 _Snob_ , Teddy thinks with a mental shrug, and doesn't waste his time trying to figure out what he did - or wore - wrong that day. Jiyong apologizes on his behalf later on, blaming the stress of his first professional stylist gig, blaming the lack of sleep, his own misbehaving hair and everything else under the sun. "He's not like that, usually," he says.

The next several times they run into each other, though, Seungho's eyes stay resolutely glued to the floor, his lips barely moving as he answers the questions other people ask him in monosyllables Teddy can't even hear.

Snob.

***

He's taking a break from recording with Youngbae the first time Seungho actually deigns to look at him. He knocks quietly and opens the door, but stops with his hand still on the doorknob, only one vintage Converse-clad foot inside. "... Are you still recording?" he asks, his eyes flicking back and forth between him and Youngbae before finally settling on him. Teddy takes that to mean he's the one who should reply.

"We're just taking a break. We ain't done, though."

"Oh..." Seungho hesitates, which only shows in the way he shifts his grip slightly on the doorknob, then steps inside and closes the door behind him. "I just need to--" He turns to Youngbae. "I wanted to ask you something. For the music video."

He slinks past Teddy's chair and sits on the far end of the couch, next to Youngbae, pulling his fancy leather bag (purse? Teddy can't tell the difference anymore) onto his lap. He takes a few bits of fabric out of it, with different shades that probably have stupid names like "puce" or "burnt toast" or something, and he and Youngbae start speaking quietly. Teddy spins his chair around to face the console, taking the opportunity to give the track they're recording a few tweaks.

"Well, I guess we should finish recording," Youngbae eventually says, a little louder. When Teddy spins around again, Seungho has his arm draped over Youngbae's shoulders and they're obviously done talking about work. "I'll text you when I'm done," he adds to Seungho, who nods and zips up his bag.

"You can wait here if you want," Teddy says as Youngbae stands up and heads back into the booth. Seungho looks up at him, his fingers reaching up to pull lightly at the too-large ring in his nostril in what's obviously a nervous tic. He nods after a few seconds of deliberation, and Teddy hears a soft "thanks" behind him once he turns back to the console.

***

His cameo in Wedding Dress is somewhat spontaneous, and he still isn't sure what he's going to look like when he walks into the dressing room. It's the usual chaos; frazzled make-up artists and staff and clothes everywhere. Daniel is in a corner, cursing up a storm in pretty creative English over a large stud that fell from some part of Youngbae's outfit.

Seungho greets him with a silent nod and a sudden armful of leather. "Put this on, please."

It's all much tighter than Teddy would prefer. He stands in front of a mirror once he's done changing, fingering the collar of the Seungho-sized perfecto he's wearing as he tries to decide what he thinks. "You sure about this?"

"Yes. You look handsome."

Teddy snorts at the compliment, looking up, but Seungho doesn't meet his eyes in the mirror. "I dunno. The jacket's nice, though."

"It's from Balmain's new collection," Seungho replies, and he does meet his eyes this time, as if Teddy's good taste has suddenly made him worthy of his attention. Teddy isn't sure what Balmain is. He hmms and nods vaguely, and that seems to be good enough.

Daniel joins them, having apparently gotten the studs under control, and the two stylists argue good-naturedly about accessories as they add and remove them from Teddy's outfit. Biker gloves, chains, and then a red bandanna, rolled up and tied around his neck. Seungho looks rather proud of it until Teddy points out that the last time he saw this was on Freddie Mercury.

Daniel snickers. Seungho blinks at him, then smiles, hiding behind his eyelashes again, and deftly undoes the neat knot he made before pulling the bandanna off his neck. He and Teddy apologize at the same time. That makes Seungho smile wider, and his free hand flies up to toy with his piercing as if to conceal his expression. "No... You're right, anyway."

Filming takes forever, as usual, and Teddy sighs in relief when he finally gets to unzip the leather jacket and take a deep breath. Seungho stops him with a light touch to his arm on his way to the dressing room. "Teddy. Do you like the shoes?"

He looks down at them. They're black sneakers with a snakeskin pattern and white rubber soles, and they look pretty cool in addition to being more comfortable than everything else he has on. "Yeah. Are they Lanvin, too?"

"Balmain," Seungho corrects, a spark of amusement in his eyes. "No. You can keep them."

***

Idle curiosity drives Teddy to look up the shoes online a few days later, during another break in his studio. It's not a snakeskin pattern, after all. It's not even snakeskin; it's _alligator_ , and the price makes his eyes bug out of his head. "Fuck," he mutters to himself, and Youngbae raises his head from his magazine.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just found the shoes Seungho bought."

Youngbae leans in and looks at the computer monitor over Teddy's shoulder. "... Hm. They're nice." He doesn't look too impressed, but then again, he's probably more used to it than Teddy is. BAPE was about as pricy as things got back in 1TYM's day. He shakes his head to himself and browses the rest of the designer's collection for lack of a better thing to do.

The flip-flip of magazine pages behind him stops after a while. "Do you like him, too?"

Teddy looks over his shoulder, blinking. " _What?_ "

"... What?" Youngbae repeats, then puts on that blank, serious expression he always uses to try and cover up his fuck-ups. "Never mind." He flips to a new page and stares at a bottled water advertisement like he doesn't know Teddy's still looking at him.

Teddy starts paying attention after that. He notices that Daniel and Jiyong always elbow Seungho when he walks into the room, pointing him out with quick, discreet glances in his direction. Seungho only clams up once he becomes aware of his presence, his fingers turning the ring in his nostril with small, precise movements as he finds a safe spot to stare at, usually in the opposite direction. He blushes, too; Teddy notices that one evening in the dance studio, when he sits next to him and shoots him a smile. The pale, starving model look he cultivates doesn't do much to hide it.

So for all the airs he puts on and the underground designer clothing he drapes himself in, he's just a shy kid. Teddy finds himself wanting to know the side of him he's only gotten glimpses of - the part of him that wanted to laugh at Teddy for not being able to tell Lanvin and Balmain apart, the part that jokes around loudly with Daniel and 2NE1 and turns everything around him into kick-ass accessories.

Teddy, feeling like he's trying to tame an exotic animal, eventually figures out that Seungho is most comfortable when his hands are busy or he's otherwise distracted by his work. They make small talk over a loose shirt Seungho is destroying for Min Ji and, between measuring and cutting and sewing, he forgets to clam up. Before long Seungho's number is in his phone's contact list and he knows enough about Balmain and Lanvin to have actual opinions on them.

***

Seungho is an entirely different animal with alcohol in his bloodstream and his friends urging him on. Teddy discovers this the hard way when he shows up at his and Daniel's workshop late one night, theoretically to pick up a baseball cap Youngbae forgot there.

He'd feel like he was being set up, but Youngbae doesn't have a manipulative bone in his body and it's obvious Seungho wasn't expecting him, anyway - there's loud dance music and laughter behind him, and his eyes, smeared with dark eyeshadow, widen in surprise when he sees Teddy. "... Hi."

"Hey. I'm just dropping by for YB's cap."

Seungho nods but glances over his shoulder before opening the door further. "Come in. Sorry, we were getting ready to go out..."

This faction of Nuthang has an interesting definition of "getting ready to go out". There are soju bottles on nearly every flat surface in the workshop, bolts of fabric and second-hand toys shoved into haphazard piles to make room for them. Daniel is fixing someone's wig (a neon bob that matches the person's truly offensive platform shoes) and one scrawny guy with no shirt on grins alarmingly when he comes in. "Oh damn, it's _Teddy_!"

The sudden round of cat-calls and enthusiastic greetings from the group of strangers make him laugh despite himself. Seungho says something that's buried under the music and the yelling, then grabs him by the wrist and leads him through the cramped room.

"I think it's around here somewhere," he says, louder. Something sparkles in his mouth when he speaks. A tongue piercing, Teddy decides, which he never noticed before because Seungho kept _mumbling_.

They do locate the cap, squashed under a large zebra-striped cushion, but not before Teddy gets introduced to everyone and a bottle materializes in his hand. "You're coming with us, right?" Daniel says.

Teddy doesn't have time to reply - or even think about it - before the man in drag cuts in. "C'mon, oppa, Seungho's just _dying_ to go out with you."

Seungho chucks the cushion at the guy's head, grinning. It falters a little when he turns to Teddy, his usual shyness threatening to take over again, but in the end he simply reaches out and pulls at the edge of his jacket. "Yeah, come."

Teddy's tempted. He's on a rescue mission, though - Youngbae wants his favorite cap to follow him to Tokyo in the morning, which he can sympathize with. "Next time," he says over the music, and Seungho looks too surprised to join the chorus of disappointed "aww"s.

"Really?"

Teddy tugs him closer by the lapel of his cropped denim jacket, mirroring Seungho's earlier action. His smile is contagious, and so's the giddy, tipsy excitement permeating the workshop. "Yeah, really."

He's not entirely surprised by the kiss Seungho plants on him. His waist feels tiny under Teddy's palm and the stud in his tongue clicks softly against his front teeth. He's too damn tall, this close, but the way his arms fit comfortably over Teddy's shoulders makes up for it.

***

"Sorry for last night," Seungho says very seriously the next morning, standing in his studio with faded make-up still around his eyes, his fingers toying with his piercing.

"Don't apologize," Teddy replies. "Didja have breakfast?" _Do you even eat_ , he wants to ask, but he's done that before and the joke wasn't well-received by Jiyong.

"No. I haven't gone to bed yet."

Teddy hasn't, either. They end up sitting in a bakery near the studio, heads bent over a thick issue of Vogue that's mostly catwalk pictures and nearly covers the tiny table they're sitting at. The Balmain girls look bad-ass; Teddy likes them. Seungho laughs into his latte when he voices that thought.

***

As promised, he meets up with Seungho before his next outing with his friends. Two minutes later he's sitting in front of a mirror with his hood off, his baseball cap somewhere on the floor, and Seungho's fingers in his hair. Teddy usually doesn't like having stylists paw at him, but being quasi-involved with Seungho apparently makes him an exception - the light, expert touches are more relaxing than anything. Seungho is all business, though, his face blank as he works until Teddy manages to catch his eyes and smile at him through the mirror. He pauses and looks back at him only briefly, but his expression softens and the next pass of his fingers through Teddy's mohawk is more about affection than hairstyling.

The club is smaller than his Los Angeles apartment. It's dimly lit and nearly empty when they all walk in, which, along with the presence of a girl behind the bar, reassures Teddy a little. Seungho doesn't dance, as it turns out, and that's even better news. They sit side by side and simply watch the insanity once they've had a couple of shots with everyone else, and before long Seungho's kissing him again, with the same surprising tenderness as before.

They make out for so long Teddy forgets where he is. A sudden push to the back of his head brings him back to reality, though. They take the shots Hyunjong offers them - Goldschlager, from the looks of it - and Seungho downs his right away. "Let's go," he says into his ear, and his next kiss leaves the pleasant burn of alcohol and cinnamon on Teddy's tongue.

***

Teddy wakes up to the smell of strong coffee and the sudden certitude that he's fallen in love. Seungho brings him a mug and sits in bed next to him, a cigarette dangling from his lips. "Want one?" he asks, leaning over to grab his pack from the night table as if he already knows what the answer will be. Teddy must've been staring.

He takes a first puff and closes his eyes again. He usually has to get his ass out of bed to get his morning coffee and cigarette - the moment deserves to be savored.

Seungho gets off the bed a moment later, and it's been so long since Teddy's last photo shoot that he doesn't recognize the quiet click of the shutter right away. When he opens his eyes, Seungho smiles at him and lowers the semi-professional camera he's holding. "Don't look at me."

"Don't do that," Teddy replies, but turns his head anyway, looking up at the patch of grey sky visible through the window.

"Why not?"

Teddy doesn't think any of his answers would satisfy him, so he just shakes his head, takes another puff and exhales the smoke slowly. Seungho takes a picture of that too.

His apartment is exactly what Teddy would have expected if he'd stopped and thought about it. Small and low on furniture, but packed with interesting odds and ends, from coffee table books on body modification to a human skull replica dotted with rhinestones. His room is plastered with high fashion shots, expressionist paintings and Sex Pistol posters. One of the pictures Seungho took, printed in black and white, is added to the mix a few days later.

***

Workplace romances never work out, Teddy tells himself, except in this case it does. They're just busy enough not to get in each other's way - Seungho sits with him when he composes, sometimes, taking notes and sketching outfits, and Teddy's always welcome at the workshop late at night once he's done with his own work. He brings takeout that's largely ignored, lattes that aren't, and kneads away the knots of tension in Seungho's shoulders from being hunched over his latest project for too long.

Teddy's content, all in all, even though the look on CL's face when she sees that picture on the wall makes him wince. She gets over it.

***

Trouble comes in the form of an invitation to Jeremy Scott's launch party. Teddy thinks he's okay, as far as designers go - his stuff is like a high-end version of the streetwear brands he likes, and he doesn't seem too pretentious. Seungho obviously thinks very highly of him, though, and nearly wets himself when Daniel shares the news. Teddy can tell, now, even though his face doesn't betray much.

On the night of the party he arrives fashionably late, avoiding the red carpet and the cameras. CL introduces him to Jeremy as "Seungho's boyfriend, you know, he's a producer," and the hint of fruit-punch-induced defiance in her voice makes it so funny that Teddy doesn't even care.

Seungho has taken several trips to the bathroom with Jeremy by the time Teddy realizes what they've been doing. "Don't take too much," he murmurs into Seungho's ear, slipping one arm around his waist as he sits next to him.

He's completely taken aback by the derisive snort he gets in reply. "What are you, my dad?" Seungho says like Teddy just lectured him, and for once he sounds exactly like the 22-year-old he is.

The next couple of lines he snorts seem like he's just trying to make a point. Once it becomes clear that Teddy's going to be given the cold shoulder for the rest of the night, he downs his drink and leaves for his apartment after saying goodbye to Bom, Dara and CL.

The sun's up when the sound of the front door wakes him up. Seungho creeps into the room, sheds his expensive, colorful layers of pretension and goes from Yanggaeng The Stylist to just his lover, lying next to him with his face shining with sweat and his eyes bloodshot. "Sorry," he says quietly, his hand seeking Teddy's. "I was high."

Teddy heaves a sigh and turns toward him, rubbing his nose lightly against the stubble on his head. "I know. Go to sleep."

***

It's becoming increasingly obvious that he and Seungho are from completely different worlds. Maybe it's the age gap - he's still young, still rebelling just because he can and too restless and ambitious to appreciate stability. Still, he's smart, and they have enough in common that Teddy decides to try and adapt to the party lifestyle. Even when said partying gets a little out of control and he walks in on Seungho and Jiyong making out in a dark corner of Daniel's place.

"Having fun?" he asks, smacking Jiyong upside the head lightly as he sits down next to them.

Jiyong pulls away from Seungho and grins at him, his pupils like saucers. "What? 'S just kissing."

Seungho lets his hand slide off Jiyong's hip and intertwines his fingers with Teddy's, shooting him a blissful smile he can't help but return. "What didja take? Weed? Pills?"

"Yes," Seungho replies after thinking for a few seconds. He and Jiyong share a look and a snicker over his answer and Teddy snorts amusedly.

He tries hard, when Jiyong crawls onto his lap with a glint of mischief in his eyes, to enjoy the impromptu kisses and the warm hand on his cheek, but he pushes him away after a moment, unable to stop thinking of him as a thirteen-year-old. Jiyong wanders off, unconcerned and still grinning, and Seungho takes over. At least no one's pissed off - nonchalance, apparently, is the way to go.

***

He and Seungho make it to one month. Teddy buys him Vivienne Westwood - a chunky white gold ring that wasn't _too_ expensive but makes his thin eyebrows (red, this week) shoot up to his hairline. Teddy isn't sure whether he's more surprised by the gift or by his good judgment, but it's a hit, anyway.

"Let's go to Tokyo," Seungho says later that night, his heart still beating fast under Teddy's ear as he plays with his hair. This is the kind of spontaneity Teddy can live with. They're on a plane the following morning.

***

Teddy is fully expecting to be bored by the shopping, but the small backstreets Seungho takes him to are lined with cafes and bookstores in addition to second-hand clothing stores. It really isn't that bad with regular coffee breaks and someone as sharp as Seungho to talk to. There's something fascinating about watching him do his job, anyway - he browses the clothes in blank-faced silence but Teddy knows his mind is working a mile a minute, mentally putting things together and weighing creativity against style.

He knows him well enough, by now, to smile at a particular hoodie he eyes for too long in Shibuya. "I know who that's for."

Seungho frowns at him slightly, his expression hovering between annoyance and amusement. "Go away," he finally says with a soft laugh, putting the hoodie back.

They meet up an hour later in Omotesandou. Teddy puts on the cap Seungho gives him and lets him sigh over a few designer stores before they head for dinner. The French restaurant they choose hurts his wallet, but the food is spectacular, and hearing Seungho butcher the name of the wine as he orders it makes it all worth it.

Seungho blinks confusedly once the waitress walks away. He doesn't even know why Teddy's laughing - even better. "What?"

" _Beaujolais_ , man," he replies, then watches the embarrassment bloom on Seungho's face. He can just tell "Beaujolais" is going to be his favorite comeback to anything Seungho implies about his lack of sophistication in the future.

They hook up Teddy's iPod to the sound system in the hotel room that night and blast punk music until the sun rises. Seungho makes love with him with the same slow sweetness regardless of the accompaniment.

***

Their hotel room is strewn with shopping bags on the day of their flight back to Seoul, but Teddy wakes up early despite his hangover and sneaks out to add one more to the pile: a brown ("mocha" - whatever) distressed leather jacket Seungho's been going on about. It's by D&G and stupidly expensive, but Teddy never buys anything just for the hell of it, aside from shiny new musical equipment once in a while. Besides, he likes the bad-boy look leather and denim jackets instantly give Seungho. He wears them with the collar flipped up, vintage boots on his feet and a scowl on his face, and looks like he just stepped out of a punked-out version of the fifties.

They're back in Teddy's apartment, unpacking and sorting through everything they bought in Tokyo when Seungho finally notices the D&G bag. His eyes light up before he even opens it, and the delighted grin he shoots Teddy as he pulls the jacket out makes him look all of sixteen.

Teddy smiles to himself when Seungho "forgets" the Balmain perfecto on his bed the following morning.

***

"For her leggings I was thinking the new Vivienne Westwood ones with the scribble pattern." Seungho looks up as if waiting to hear his opinion but Teddy stares back at him with deliberate blankness just to hear what he'll say. "You know, the crazy grandma," he finally adds, his eyes rising briefly to the ceiling.

Teddy grins. "Oh, yeah." He knows perfectly well who Vivienne Westwood is - he browsed through her most recent collection just a week ago, after all - but Seungho has lost his patience and recently started turning his long-winded who's-who explanations into ridiculous shorthand. Teddy finds it too funny to stop him. There's "the scary Ken doll guy", "that brand with the hairy shoulderpads", "Douchebag Squared" (Teddy's idea) and of course "CDG", which probably reflects Seungho's sudden reluctance to say anything in French around him.

"What do you think?"

Teddy shrugs one shoulder after trying to visualize the outfit. "Sounds good." That's his usual answer. People either have the attitude to pull off that kind of clothing or they don't. Minji obviously does.

"That's what you always say," Seungho replies, a hint of irritation in his voice.

Teddy starts trying harder, but Seungho mostly just snorts at his comments and suggestions, so he gives up again. The attitude doesn't really bother him, though, until he starts hanging out with Seungho's friends a bit more. The condescending grins and verbal pats-on-the-head aimed at him every time they have a conversation he can't quite follow are annoying enough, but the fact that Seungho stays silent instead of shooting a quick "you know, the ugly Bjork dress guy" his way makes it very hard for Teddy not to roll his eyes at the whole lot of them.

***

They see less of each other during the couple of weeks leading up to the release of 2NE1's new album. That turns out not to be such a bad thing. The text messages he receives now and then while he's working ("bring takeout tonight?" or "i just bought the best fuckin shoes ever" or simply "hey i miss you") make him smile and do a lot to tone down the fashion-induced irritation.

The way Seungho ignores most of his calls, though, annoys him all over again.

***

Teddy's never been a big fan of hard drugs - they turn people into jerks or idiots, most of the time - so he's happy that Seungho's doing things his way, for once, sprawled between him and Kush on his makeshift bed with the fat joint Teddy just rolled between his lips. They're not supposed to get high in the studios, but that's never stopped him and Kush before, and it helps cover up the smell of days-old take-out and stale cigarette smoke, anyway.

"We need some music in here," Kush announces as he tears open his bag of chips. Teddy stands up and grabs a small stack of CDs from his desk. He flips through them, picks a Tupac album he hasn't heard in a while, and pops it into his computer.

"Who's that?" Seungho asks, smoke coming out of his mouth, when the first track starts. Teddy tells him, then waits for a reaction, unable not to think of it as some kind of test. God knows he's passed enough of those himself since the start of their relationship. "Oh, right. I like his lyrics."

Teddy smiles and takes the joint from him. A while later the small studio is filled with smoke (stuffed toys from fans, as they found out, are the perfect way to plug the gap at the bottom of the door) and Seungho has reached a quiet, contemplative kind of high.

Kush, though, is a babbler. He recounts his adventures in Jamaica and Teddy's heard it all about a hundred times before, but Seungho's smiling and laughing more easily than usual so he doesn't mind just sitting there, rubbing the back of Seungho's head slowly as he lets the words flow over him.

***

Fashion types create their own drama when it doesn't come naturally. Teddy's seen it in Jiyong - the depression, the messy relationships, the booze, the drugs, the haircuts. It's probably all out of boredom. Too long between albums, too much time to think, and Jiyong goes apeshit. It's a little disappointing that Seungho turns out to be so similar, but Teddy should've known better.

Refusing to acknowledge the drama doesn't work. A few weeks of putting up an accepting, unconcerned front in response to the unannounced drunken visits in the middle of the night, the flirting with other guys right under his nose, the lackluster sex Seungho insists on having when he's high and out of his head (fast and hard and impersonal) and the maddening days where Seungho will be too absorbed in his imaginary problems to give him more than shrugs and irritated looks only fills Teddy with simmering resentment.

He starts hating the careful neutrality on Seungho's face when he's out with him. Everything he does is studiously calculated, from his outfit to his facial expression to the faux-casual, affectionate touches to Teddy's leg or arm when they sit together at parties that very efficiently broadcast - to those who know what to look for - what they are to each other. It occurs to him one evening, after a few beers, that their relationship is simply an extension of Seungho's job and preoccupation with his appearance. A careful study in contrasts, designed to catch people's eyes and make them talk. A beautiful stylist and an average-looking hip-hop producer - how _interesting_. The thought makes him lean away when Seungho moves in to whisper something into his ear.

Seungho knits his brow and nudges him and frets (discreetly) over him for the rest of the night, and that makes Teddy realize how satisfying it is to fight back by being as much of a dick as Seungho is instead of just sitting there and putting up with the emo act.

"Give it a fucking rest," he says a few days later when Jiyong, clearly drunk, falls all over Seungho yet again to cop a feel and whatever else it is they do when Teddy isn't looking. He wouldn't have believed he still has it in him to stare someone down, but after a moment of silence, Jiyong flops down next to Seungho and starts chewing on his thumbnail sullenly.

Seungho rolls his eyes at Teddy, predictably enough. He leaves with him, though, and the rest of the night ends up being one of those achingly perfect ones that make him forget, by the time he falls asleep in a patch of early afternoon sunlight with Seungho draped over his back, why being with him isn't a good idea.

***

And on it goes. They fight about the pettiest crap - Teddy doesn't let things go anymore, because being confrontational apparently works better to keep Seungho's attention than nonchalance ever did - and make up and take beautiful pictures together and ignore each other's calls and kiss in the studios when no one's looking. It's a stupid rollercoaster ride that would remind Teddy of his ex-girlfriends except for the fact that they, at least, would let him know (loudly and at great length) exactly how they felt and what he'd done wrong. With Seungho it's all snide little remarks and sidelong looks and "no"s on his cell phone screen when he least expects them.

And the styling. The styling swings wildly between gentle, intimate touches that make Teddy shiver and nagging attempts at making him look good enough for Seungho's entourage. It infuriates him when Seungho actually seems to care what he wears in public - and it shouldn't, because of _course_ he cares - but one day he yanks Teddy's cap off and talks him into spiking up his mohawk yet again after a long, drawn-out argument, and he's had enough.

He has to laugh at himself when he realizes exactly what he's doing. Spontaneously buzzing off all of his hair in the bathroom late at night is Nuthang's territory, not his, but it does feel strangely satisfying. He rinses off the short hairs that stick to his head, watches a movie, and goes to bed after responding to Seungho's drunken, misspelled request for a lift home from wherever he is with a simple "no".

***

He wakes up to the palm of Seungho's hand rasping against the stubble on his head. He smiles down at him when he opens his eyes, and it's the sweet, exhausted, post-party smile that means there's probably no snark coming Teddy's way. "You plugged up the bathroom sink," he says, his voice raspy from too many cigarettes.

"So what, 's my sink." Teddy's voice is equally rough but he doesn't manage to sound as ticked off as he wants to be. Not with that smile directed at him first thing in the morning. And the smell of... Yes, there it is. He sits up a little and takes the mug of coffee from Seungho's hand. There's grit under his fingernails and the skin around the barbell in his wrist looks a little red.

"You should clean that," he mutters. Seungho's eyes follow his, then he turns his arm to look at the piercing, touches it gingerly, and gives an unmotivated shrug. He folds himself up Indian-style on the bed, elbows on his knees and chin in his hands, and watches Teddy as he sips his coffee. He's only wearing a pair of brand-name boxers and a loose sleeveless shirt that shows bruises on his thin arms (probably from stumbling around during the night), but Teddy thinks he looks stunning on the rare occasions like this one where he simply isn't trying.

"I'm not going to stop partying just because you're jealous, you know," Seungho says out of nowhere, jarring Teddy out of his thoughts.

He takes another sip of coffee before answering, knowing he's being watched carefully for a reaction. "I'm not jealous, Seungho."

"You've been acting weird."

 _I've been acting like you_ , he wants to say, but it's much harder to be overly dramatic cold sober and in broad daylight after shaving his head like some girl out of a bad music video. He simply sighs and puts down the half-empty mug, then lies back down. Seungho isn't much for fighting at this hour, either - he curls up with his head on Teddy's stomach and one arm wrapped around his waist instead of pressing the matter, and he's asleep a few moments later.

***

When Seungho wanders out of the bathroom several hours later, naked and in search of food, Teddy's been at his computer for longer than he'd care to admit, reading the news, surfing, talking to Choice on MSN Messenger and generally wasting his morning away. He has to smile at the sudden exclamation from the kitchen when Seungho finds something - "Fuck yeah, _Oreos_!", said with an intense kind of enthusiasm that makes it obvious where he spent his college years.

He sprawls on the couch with a tall glass of milk, the box of cookies on the coffee table in front of him, and what looks like an impressive fraction of it already in his mouth. He doesn't seem to give the slightest bit of a damn that he's naked. Teddy's always been a little envious of that.

"You can buy them here too, y'know," he remarks, standing up from his computer and flexing his wrist.

"Never bothered to check," Seungho replies thickly, then folds his legs and nods toward the now available half of the couch. Teddy sits down and he immediately stretches out again, one foot curled comfortably around Teddy's thigh. He holds up his glass wordlessly; Teddy grabs an Oreo and dunks it into the milk.

"I get it, you know," Seungho starts, then sucks a drop of milk off his thumb. "What you said this morning."

Teddy blinks at him - he doesn't remember saying much - and simply bites into his cookie instead of replying.

"You don't have to try to be like us." The condescension in that statement would rile Teddy up again, but Seungho curls his toes as he says it, squeezing his thigh affectionately. "We can do stuff you like."

He replies with something between a nod and a shrug, and Seungho sighs. "Come on, stop being a dick."

That tears a disbelieving laugh out of him. " _I'm_ being a dick?"

The look on Seungho's face makes it clear he has no idea what he's talking about. "Yeah, you're being a dick! You could've picked me up last night," he says, sounding like he's just getting started. "And--"

"You could've called a fucking taxi."

He stops mid-rant, his expression shifting from anger to hurt. "I just wanted to see you." He shakes his head and stands up before Teddy can figure out how to react. "Fuck this," he says quietly, resigned, as he sets his glass down. He spares Teddy a quick glance before heading to the bedroom. "I'm borrowing some clothes."

Teddy just sits there for the few minutes Seungho spends in his room, feeling increasingly helpless without really knowing why. When he comes back out in jeans and a hoodie that _should_ be too loose and bland for him - trust him to make a hungover walk of shame back to his place in his boyfriend's clothes somehow look like he wandered off a catwalk - Teddy stands up and puts himself between him and the door. "Hey, I'm sorry. Don't-- At least finish your breakfast."

Seungho shakes his head as he grabs his bag. "I have work to do."

"Really?"

He looks at Teddy, finally, then lowers his eyes. "I'll find something."

"Fine. Wish you'd stay, though," he says, hoping that'll compensate for pussying out of saying it a moment ago. Seungho's only reply is a sigh, but he doesn't protest when Teddy moves in to kiss him goodbye. He holds onto Seungho, continuing to drop butterfly kisses on his lips until he breaks into a reluctant smile.

"Teddy..."

"Yeah, yeah, work to do." One more lingering kiss and he reaches up to hold Seungho's head steady so he has no choice but to look at him. "I love you, okay?"

Seungho acknowledges this with a small nod that doesn't do much to reassure Teddy.

He smiles up at him humorlessly. "Think we'll make it to three months?"

Seungho snorts. "Maybe," he says, then sighs again and closes his eyes, tilting his head forward until their foreheads touch. "I love you, too." He kisses the corner of Teddy's mouth and Teddy gets out of his way. He leaves with a glance over his shoulder and a muttered "call me" that sounds like an afterthought.

***

Teddy waits a few days before calling. When he finally does, it takes six rings before Seungho picks up, and Teddy can't even hear him over the thumpa-thump of the club music filtering over the line.

"Hello?" he tries loudly, wondering if Seungho's in any state to talk.

"Hey, it's Daniel," Daniel nearly yells. "He's dancing, I'm just--" The rest is drowned out by the music, but Teddy gets the gist.

"All right, I'll call back." They shout their goodbyes and Teddy closes his phone.

He waits a few more days before trying again. This time Seungho picks up, not that it ends up making much of a difference. "I'm with my friends," he says quietly.

 _His_ friends, as if Teddy hasn't spent the past two months talking, drinking, hanging out with and getting his ass grabbed by most of them. "You mean Hyunjong and Hyuksoo and so on?" he asks pointedly.

"Yeah."

"Where? Can I join you?"

"... Yeah, if you want," Seungho replies in a tone that means "no". Or maybe "we'll all ignore you if you show up". "We're at 10 Corso Como."

Teddy thinks about that for a second. Seungho probably means they're in the cafe - it's too fancy, full of kids too preoccupied with the way they look to relax and enjoy their drinks, and right inside a high-end store Seungho would kill to work for as a buyer. "Never mind," he says. "I'll call back."

He waits a couple of days and then a beat comes into his head just as he's about to pick up his phone, so he waits a couple more. He emerges from his studio the following Saturday night with four new tracks and several more loops in progress - for 2NE1, for Taeyang, for Gummy, heck, even for the solo album he gave up on years ago - and he puts off the call again when he realizes that he's just had the most productive and drama-free week he's had since starting to date Seungho.

On Monday night, though, he sits in his living room with a cold beer in his hand and something inane on TV and finds himself wishing Seungho was with him, flipping through a magazine with his head on Teddy's thigh and occasionally muttering under his breath about the shitty clothes the variety show hosts wear.

He takes out his cell phone and snorts to himself when he notices the date on the screen. It's their three-month anniversary - they made it, after all, and Teddy's mentally listing restaurants he could take Seungho to when the friendly-sounding lady at the end of the line interrupts his thoughts with her pre-recorded message: "The number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please try your call again, or dial..."

The message plays twice before Teddy recovers from the unexpectedly sharp pain in his gut enough to hang up and close his phone. After a pause, he opens it again, pulls up his contact list and deletes Seungho from it, jabbing at the "OK" button with more force than necessary. It doesn't make him feel any better, though.

***

He becomes _persona non grata_ to the rest of Nuthang so fast it makes his head spin. No more invitations to go drinking or clubbing or shopping, no more inappropriate passes at him, and even Jiyong and Seung Hyun _emanate_ awkwardness the next couple of times they and Teddy work together. They're probably expecting him to ask about Seungho. He doesn't.

"Are you gonna keep that Balmain jacket?" Jiyong asks once he's apparently decided that Teddy should be over it, his nonchalant tone not quite covering up the obvious interest in his eyes.

Teddy shrugs in response, then refrains from asking whether Seungho wants it back. He can just come and get the damn thing if he wants it, he thinks, then firmly tells himself he's not looking for reasons to see Seungho again.

Not that it works, anyway - Daniel shows up on his doorstep one evening with a plastic bag full of borrowed clothes and CDs and makes it clear that Seungho isn't going to directly acknowledge his existence again.

"Uh, he says he left his tweezers here," Daniel says as he hands the bag over. "And a CD."

There's no sign of the ring Teddy gave him in the bag. That gives him an irrational pang of something like hope until he realizes that Seungho just likes shiny brand-name things too much to give it back.

He sits Daniel down in his living room with a can of Coke (diet, of course) and does a quick sweep of his apartment. The tweezers are in the bathroom, along with a few other items - concealer, expensive lip balm, hair glue in a tiny neon pink pot - that Teddy sure as hell didn't buy. He finds Seungho's Uffie album in his room, digs a weirdly-cut shirt and a pair of skin-tight designer jeans out of a pile of dirty clothes, and brings it all back to Daniel.

"I still have that stuff I wore for Youngbae's video," he says in a voice he knows is too flat, trying to repress the steady stream of fragmented memories the items brought on. Seungho sitting on him to tweeze his eyebrows by force, his half-hummed rendition of _Pop The Glock_ , the taste of that lip balm--

"Keep it," Daniel replies. "It was YG's money, anyway."

 _How romantic._ "Great. Thanks."

The sarcasm comes out much more strongly than he intended, but when he gives Daniel a vaguely apologetic look, he only grimaces in sympathy. "Sorry, man. He's kind of an idiot."

At least one of them's on his side, Teddy thinks as he closes the door behind Daniel a few minutes later. He knows full well, though, that he most likely won't ever hear from Daniel again, either.

***

It takes nearly a month before he runs into Seungho in the studios again. He's showing some sketches to Minji and CL in the cafeteria and barely glances up when Teddy walks in. He looks away before their eyes can even meet, ignoring him completely while the girls greet him. Teddy doesn't have that kind of self-control; he steals a few more looks as he waits for his coffee.

Seungho doesn't look back, his aloof expression perfectly in place as he examines the sketches in front of him. He has a new piercing. A Monroe - Teddy remembers the name from the piercing charts in Seungho's bedroom. He wonders if they're his version of notches in his bedpost; maybe he gets a new one for every guy he fucks over.

"See you later," he tells the girls as he walks by their table again, coffee in hand. Minji and CL echo him and he gets another glance and a tiny nod from Seungho, his eyes completely devoid of any emotion.

Teddy thinks to himself, as he takes a sip from the styrofoam cup, that he simply should have gone with his first impression of him.


End file.
